How It All Began..

I intended this blog to be lighthearted, funny, and not serious at all. Generally how I approach my life. Find the humour in everything, and it will be ok. But the journey isn't always going to be rosy, so here's the first bit of alternative writing..
I've been a bit down today. At the moment a lot is changing for me, and whilst change is positive, and new doors are opening, it is also challenging.
I didn't want to train today. I didn't want to go anywhere, or talk to anyone. Except my Nan. But unfortunately that isn't possible, because I lost her to cancer last year. It was undoubtedly the worst thing ever to happen to me, the death of my parent. I miss her so much it's like a physical pain sometimes. I remember I stopped training after she died, I stopped everything. I doubted if I'd even go back to Triathlon at all. Nothing seemed to have much point to it. It all seemed so insignificant.
A few weeks later I dragged myself to swimming, just to get out of the house. Then I was given the devastating news that a friend at the club had passed away that week, after being out for a run. I can't really describe how that felt. For the 2nd time in 6 weeks, I attended the funeral of someone I cared for.
But from this awful situation came the most wonderful support from certain members of my Tri Club. They insisted I begin exercise again, made sure I was eating properly, and ignored my obvious lack of care for anything, Knowing that eventually I would begin to heal.
It was after coming back from my first ride for months and sitting around a wonderful feast, laughing with everyone, that the Outlaw seed was planted. I was listening to someone who had completed the race before, under quite exceptional circumstances, and was completely inspired. I confided for the first time to someone that I ''would love to be able to do that''. And she answered me with, ''Well why don't you then?'' I began to think of the usual excuses, ''I'm not ready, fit enough, strong enough, young enough, old enough etc'' but as those words were coming out of my mouth a voice was saying, there is no excuse, and NOTHING is stopping you but you. It was a complete epiphany.
When I got home I went online and entered there and then. Fear of failure had stopped me even telling people my dream. I'd read every book I could find on Ironman, even before I completed my first sprint. The seed has always been there, but I was so afraid of failing I wouldn't even try.
Losing my wonderful parent and my friend has changed me. Part of me has gone forever. Part of me has an emptiness that will never be filled. But I have gained something else. A strength. A belief in myself, and an understanding of what is important. Triathlon has become so much more than just how fast my times are, how far I can run or my latest PB, it has become my focus, my outlet for energy and emotion, and the way in which I honour my own life, because I'm fortunate enough to be able to go out there and do it. Every time I get in the water, put my trainers on, or wheel the bike to the door, I think of my Nan, I think of my friend, and I think that you truly must grab the moment with both hands. Go and find what makes you come alive. So Outlaw 2012 here I come! :)