Inspirations.

Training aside for a moment, it was a tough day in my personal life today. As I mentioned before, big changes happening, and I left a lot of people behind today who I've been really close to and going to miss dearly. I was given loads of presents, it was really sweet and overwhelming to know people cared about me so much. Now for some reason, maybe my haircut, my tattoos, or my ''edgy'' style, I'm generally seen as being a very strong charecter, outspoken and confident, (even though I'm actually REALLY shy!!) so when I said I was planning to do the Outlaw, I think everyone kind of expected it, as I have ''that'' kind of personality anyway. ''That'' apparently being that I don't give up on anything, I believe in having and achieving goals, and just generally being a hardcore, strong willed, determined hardass. And obviously I am a bit mental. :)

Anyway, surprisingly the theme of my leaving seemed to be ''Ironwoman''! Several people had written it in the card, wishing me luck, etc, and amongst other things, (all geared around buddhism, yin yang, and tranquility, see, not so edgy after all) I got a wonderful framed picture from someone of  Ironman (the film charecter, but a female one)
He had written on it ''What have you done today to make you feel proud?'' (This is one of my my favourite songs, and leads to another thing I'm always going on about, positive affirmations, writing down one thing you've done to make you proud that day, because it helps build self belief and confidence. It doesn't have to be huge, it could be anything from washing the car to getting up at 6am for a run. (And I wouldn't just be proud of that, I'd want a bloody medal!!)
I also do a list of positive things that  have happened that day, however small. Maybe I've worked within psychotherapy too long and have become a hippy, but I believe it works. It makes you appreciate the small things, be grateful for what you have, and lifts your mood. (As does listening to the fabulous song 'Proud' and singing as loud as you can to it. They actually played it at the Notts sports awards, and you don't know how difficult it was for me not to stand up, cocktail dress and all, and shake my stuff!)
Anyway, He also gave me an Ironman charecter badge that flashes and makes noises. On the box it says ''become Ironman''. I said I'd stick it to my wetsuit. (Extra help always welcome)

I also recieved Kelly Holmes running socks, (from her clothing line, not her actual socks) and a Kelly Holmes swim towel. Then obviously I had to recall to everyone about the time that I met her. (Again)

Kelly Holmes is one of my heroines. She never gave up, was determined and focussed, and achieved her ultimate goal against all the odds. Did I mention I've met her?
 Now obviously I'm never going to the olympics, and goals should be realistic, but I believe what really matters is your own passion and dedication to achieving what you want. The only person responsible for you achieving is you.

But obviously everyone doubts themselves sometimes. I have my fair share of moments. Can I REALLY do this? I couldn't swim front crawl a year ago. Can I swim 2.4 miles? I only rode a bike as a kid, can I cycle 112 miles? And the mother of ALL my fears, I have never ran before, despised running my whole life, and today we still definitely have a love/hate relationship, can I really take on the marathon? And all together, all in one day? Do I have the focus, dedication, and mental and physical strength to push and keep pushing when everything is telling me to stop? I believe I do. And come race day, I will not give in, and I will do everything in my power to achieve my goal. But that begins now. It isn't just about that one day.

At a swim session last night, doing 100m x 3 as hard as I could, my arms went dead, my chest felt tight and began to burn, and my mind screamed ''enough!''. But I gritted my teeth and I did it. And I felt bloody brilliant. I didn't care that I was only 9 seconds faster than when I was going steady. I gave it my all, and that was all I could do.
Tonight at the track session, doing  a run at hard effort, my legs began to ache. My heart felt like it would explode out of my chest, and I began to feel nausea swirling round my stomach. Again my mind screamed ''enough!'' But I gritted my teeth and I did it. And at that moment I didn't care that I was one of the slowest runners there. I gave it my all, and that was all I could do.

The thought of 26.2 miles terrifies me. So much so that I can't think of it like that, I have to think a mile at a time. As I do with any run. Unfortunately it doesn't come naturally to me.. I don't have a runners build, (is this another one of those excuses or a genuine scientific reason for being crap? mm..) I don't like being sweaty, and it HURTS. Inside and outside. When I see a run on my plan I think of every possible excuse not to go out and do it. But I'm realising that the only person losing out from that is me. I have to run if I want to get better at it. I have to sweat, I have to hurt, and I have to be slower than everyone else. And from somewhere, I've got hold of a steely determination. I WILL be a runner, and I WILL enjoy it.

And tonight, my effort was rewarded not only by my own personal satisfaction, but by someone else. My coach said as I huffed past, ''Well done Cayci, much better this week, well done!'' Praise indeed. (Trust me, it doesn't happen often when I'm running) That made me work even harder.

Having support and belief from others really helps. That's why my Kelly Holmes socks will be accompanying me on the marathon, my picture is displayed proudly in my living room, and my badge is on my bookshelf next to ''Be Iron Fit'', and all  my other exciting triathlon bedtime reading.. And it's the reason I made it to the track tonight in the first place. I've had a long and hard week, and I was contemplating skipping the session and sticking a dvd on,  but  for all the people who believe in me, for everyone who has asked how the training is going or said good luck, when I can't find the inclination or energy and the sofa is giving me 'come-sit-on-me' eyes, I'll do it for you.


And to Tubs, Kajsa, Nic, Sophie, Paul, Kyria, Bex, and Debbie, Love you and miss you all. I won't let you down. xx