How it stands...

Had my follow up physio appointment on Thursday... went in, and waited with baited breath for the verdict. The physio was happy with the way my shins are healing, and the exercises have had an effect on my strength.

However, time is not on my side. I now haven't run for 6 weeks. The Outlaw is less than 3 months away. Take tapering into the equation and it's even less than that. That's a hell of a challenge for someone to train for a marathon. If it was a half I know I would be ok. But double the distance... if I push it too much I could either end up not finishing the race, and even wrecking my legs for the rest of the season. That's if I make it to the start line. My legs are still delicate, and need a longer time scale in order to continue to heal, and for me to build up slowly. I don't have a longer time scale though.

I have a half Iron in a few weeks time. I do feel fairly confident I will finish that, but I don't think the run will be easy. Particularly if I have to walk it all. I think that will frustrate the life out of me actually.
Now, I don't see myself as a competitive person. If someone had a burning need to beat me, I'd honestly probably slow down enough to let them do it, just so I could relax! Trying to be ''the best'' actually makes me really anxious, and it takes away my enjoyment of what I'm doing.
I do this for the joy it brings me, and because I love to test my own limits. I like to push past the barrier when my mind is making every excuse to stop. I feel after each time I go that bit further I emerge a stronger and more determined person. I do it to beat my own perception of myself, because each time I think I can't do anymore, I prove that belief wrong.
 Unfortunately this means that sometimes if I feel I have unperformed to the standards I set myself or not done well enough I get awfully disappointed with myself and feel like a failure. Which is ridiculous. I wish I could just see it for what it is. I am aware of it though, and I'm working on it!

 I think in Triathlon world we all get caught up in times, splits, and everything else, and sometimes forget to actually stop and look at the bigger picture. I mean WHO in their right mind would swim, bike and run for 140.6 miles?! Who goes out come rain or shine having the focus and dedication to get on a bike for 5 hours and then jump off and run?! Who says no to an extra beer on a saturday night because they have to get up at 6am for a brick session?! Not many people.

People outside of Triathlon world think I'm some kind of amazing super athlete and they are intrigued at what I do. Their faces are full of admiration (or bewilderment) when I say what I'm training for. I find myself laughing at their perceptions of me, and explaining that in Triathlon world what I do is actually minimal, and that I am in fact very slow compared to most people. But hang on a minute- why should I think that? I should be bloody proud of myself for the dedication I have shown. My social life has suffered tremendously!! Some friends don't even bother to ask me to go out or to go and visit anymore, I assume because they're so fed up of me declining! But you can't train hard and play hard. Something has to give.
This is a huge part of my life, and it's who I am,  and I love it, I just want to give myself a break, and not forget that what I'm doing is a huge challenge, and a lot of people in the world will not even attempt it.

How did I get onto that?? Oh yes, the injury. I am worried that if I do make it to the start line, because I may have to walk the whole marathon it'll frustrate me so much that I'll just end up hating the experience. It'll also completely remove any idea of my doing a half decent time. But there I go again, what is a ''half decent'' time?! I've been in triathlon for a year, never trained consistently, and never done more than a sprint distance, so surely any time and just getting to the finish is half decent enough?!! I think you can all probably work out where I am mentally at the moment. All over the place is the truthful answer. I feel stressed, and very pressured to be ok, to be well, to be there and do it. And not just for me, but for all the people who have got me this far!!

I like to be in control of my own life, and at the moment I don't feel that I am. Will I race? Won't I race? Will I get there? Is 3 months long enough? Will I get injured again? Will I finish if I start? Should I not risk it and just defer to next year? Will I be really slow and in pain and not enjoy any of it? What if this? What if that? Aargh.

How it stands is- for now, it still isn't certain whether I will make it to the start line. Next week I start a run/walk programme again, 2 minutes running, 2 minutes walking. Lots of ice, lots more strength and core work, and see how it goes. I should know by the time I do Majorca whether the Outlaw is on or not.