The Evil Sheriff

I have a gremlin in my head. It's the gremlin who pops up when I'm trying to have fun, or think about something other than training/triathlon/sleeping/lycra. I've named it ''The Evil Sheriff''. (Sheriff of Nottingham, geddit) I'll introduce you to it.

Take last Thursday evening for example. I have recently started to play badminton with a group of  people, and really enjoy it. Everyone is really welcoming, friendly, and it's really nice to enjoy sport in a relaxed and non competitive environment. To not have pressure to go at this many minute mile pace for this long, or stay in this heart rate zone just below threshold. It's a laugh, it's fun, it's messing about. (that's what I do anyway)
When my friend first asked me to go, I was really looking forward to it, I've always enjoyed badminton, (people who are crap at tennis and squash always do, it's easier) and used to play every week when I was younger. But then, as I thought about it, The Sheriff started up.

Sheriff- ''This is on a Thursday night. Thursday night is swimming and spinning. You can't go''.

Me- ''Yes I can, I can go swimming, and miss spinning, I don't like it anyway, I'll do an hour ride on Friday instead''.

Sheriff- ''You don't like it?! How dare you say you don't like it! Spinning is cycling focussed, it will make you a better triathlete! Or don't you want to be a triathlete anymore? You aren't THAT dedicated, or you wouldn't be going to play badminton! Before you know it you'll be out of lycra and be buying pleated skirts instead''

Cue me flapping completely about missing something I don't even enjoy, and thinking that I'm not dedicated or a ''proper'' triathlete just because I want to do something different! It's insane. I'm insane.

Anyway, off I went to badminton, had a great time, but didn't feel like I'd had a 'proper' workout. Generally when I've finished a training session I feel like I've done something. Usually from the burning in my thighs and the relief that it's over. (I suppose doing the long ride/run combo makes you realise what hard work actually is) so that bought it on again.

Sheriff- ''What was the point in that? You haven't done anything useful for the Outlaw there, you've just wasted an evening when you could have been doing tri training!''

Me- ''But I don't want to do tri training, I want to do this!''

-Sheriff pulls disgusted face and turns away from me-

I feel almost guilty for 'betraying' my sport and daring to invest my time in something else.
After badminton finishes at 10pm, people go to the pub. I immediately start thinking about what time I'll get home and if it will affect the next days' run. Should I have a diet coke or a J2O? J20 has a lot of sugar in, but then there is the aspartame issue..
I shush the voice, order my coke, and have a great night, arriving home at 11.45pm.

At Swimming on Wednesday I went into the bottom lane for the last 15 minutes to practice- wait for it- butterfly. Yes, a stroke that is not front crawl, and not triathlete-ish in the slightest. I desperately want to improve my fly, mainly because it helps with back and shoulder flexibility, which I definitely need to improve.. That aside, when it's done properly it's fantastic to see. But as I was starting, I wondered if I was wasting precious training time on the ''wrong'' stroke. As a swimming teacher, I know this is ridiculous, All four strokes impact on each other, being able to do butterfly efficiently will improve my front crawl. But it didn't stop the doubt.

This week at badminton I was playing, and my shins started to get sore. I had been for a run the day before, and am used to various aches, but this set The Sheriff right off.

Sheriff- ''Oh,there we go, pain in the shins, badminton will cause some strange lateral movement injury because you aren't used to it, and you won't be able to run at all, and that'll be the training out of the window.''

Today as flakes started falling, I wasn't worried about my heating bill, or my car failing to start, no, as I stood at the window watching the white stuff fall and wishing it'd stop, I was thinking how I won't be able to ride my bike. And there is absolutely no way I could even contemplate riding on a turbo for 4 hours. 4 minutes and I'm bored out of my head. So the snow is a curse for me and my anxiety levels!!

Writing this I'm realising just how much I obsess about my training.. logic tells me that taking time for different interests, different sports and different routines all help, but The Sheriff is always in the background, telling me I haven't trained enough, I'm not doing enough, going fast enough, hard enough, eating the right things, etc.
I find myself looking at my schedule and my calendar, flapping about sessions I've missed and how many weeks I've got to go, trying to swap things to make it fit, analysing my speed, obsessing I'll be so slow that I won't make the cutoff, and thinking it'd be easier to just quit and pull out.
Obviously I won't do that, but sometimes... Aaaargh!!

To quote a good friend of mine- ''Triathlon is like having a relationship with someone who messes with your mind!''